Girls Girls Girls

Tom: Hi I'm Tom Googler.

Trix: And I'm Trix! We have six kids! And I'm home!

Tom: You certainly are. Welcome home Trixie!



Trix: I told you, don't call me that on camera!

Tom: Sorry. But I am happy you're home and things are back to normal.




Trix: So I came back home from that awful "Trading Spouses" experience, and the house was a disaster!

Tom: It wasn't that bad. Lots of people have dusty baseboards in the basement.

Trix: Not me!

Tom: We did make one change in our household based on our experiences. Some of our regular helpers decided that we didn't need them any more -

Trix: Did they ask me how they could continue helping me? Nooooo!



Tom: - so we got a family helper now. Peggy is going to help us around the house with a few small chores.



Trix: The kids love her, she's just like family. Except that she's still speaking with us.



Tom: Our actual family members have decided that they don't want to be involved with the show.

Trix: And since the show is our lives, and our lives are the show, there you go. You can stop emailing us to ask where the grandparents are, thank you. They don't know how to help. Peggy does.



Tom: Anyways, Trix was unhappy with a lot of things when she came back.

Trix: Tom gained 40 pounds! Apparently all they ate was tater tot casserole and orange ice cream. Just like a man.



Tom: So I've joined a gym.



Trix: And I never realized how quickly Tom was losing his hair until I came back. You can see what a baldy he's becoming. It's really impacting his self-esteem.



Tom: Thanks Trix. And thanks for the hat to cover my emasculating baldness.

Trix: Aw honey!

Tom: The kids were happy to see their mother again.



Trix: The producers had an idea of something for us girls to do. They set up an appointment for us to go to a pottery studio. Imagine, me driving with FOUR girls at the same time! I never thought it was possible to handle FOUR children at the same time by myself! I was amazed that I could drive somewhere with FOUR children!

Tom: Imagine!

Trix: Tom, hurry up and put the little girls in the van for me. Quit ironing your shirt and help me!



Tom: Yes dear.



Trix: Do you have to do that instead of helping me? I have to drive to a strange town with FOUR children!

Tammy: My friend Kristy's mom drives with more girls than that all the time, with her soccer team.



Trix: Does Kristy's mom have TWO sets of multiples? I don't think so. It's not the same. I have six kids, SIX! Seven if you count your father.



Trix: I don't like messy activities at all, not me. I wasn't looking forward to painting pottery at all. But when we got to the studio and I seen all that there was to paint, I had a brilliant idea!

Trix: You can paint things for me! Won't that be fun, girls?



Tammy: I wanted to paint a cat.

Trix: You can paint a cat on a platter! And Tricia can paint something on this sugar bowl! And Tara can paint these tea cups and Tracey can paint this bowl! And I can use these things that you painted for me!

Tammy: How about I paint a tea pot -

Trix: Great!

Tammy: - for Daddy? An Asian tea pot because we're the most Korean.



Trix: ... well, I'm sure daddy will share with Mommy.

Tammy: We had a lot of fun at the pottery studio.

Tricia: We wore free aprons and were allowed to be messy!

Trix: I know that I like things a certain way and it bothers the children. so I totally ignored them and focussed on painting my vase, so that they could make a mess.

Tom: How is that doing something with your daughters?

Trix: Hello, they were painting stuff for me! Only Tracey wasn't doing a very good job of painting something I could use.

Tricia: Look, she put her handprints all over the bowl. That's cute!

Trix: Oh Tracey. Oh my heck. Um, you paint the bottom of the bowl, and I'll help you with the rest, okay?



Trix: So I, um, distracted her, and I painted all over her handprints so that that bowl would be something I could display in my home.

Tom: Did you help the other girls?

Trix: No, I did not. Even though Tara painted a purple horse. How dumb is that? But Tricia painted somethng that looked like real art. I was so surprised!

Tom: After the boys and I got back from the gym, we helped set up a surprise.

Trix: Okay we've been getting a lot of emails about this. At the end of every Trading Spouses switch, the wives are supposed to get money to spend to improve the other family, only we didn't get anything because that dumbass Mickey Ben made me leave early.



Tom: And we didn't find that acceptable, at all.

Trix: I did not dress like a dork for free!



Tom: So to make it up to us, the network sent over a surprise gift.

Trix: We're home! I drove somewhere with FOUR kids, FOUR! I only got lost once but the camera crew helped me out.



Tom: Come on out back. The network sent over a surprise to make up for that Trading Spouses fiasco.

Trix: Did they give us a POOL?

Tom: No.



Trix: A SAUNA?

Tom: No.

Trix: Camping gear? Are you pestering the network for that again?



Tom: No.

Trix: What did they give us?

Tom: Playground equipment!



Trix: WHAT!?!

Twins: Yay!

Tom: Its so cool! Look, there are swings and a merry-go-round and a slide and monkey bars! For our six little monkeys!



Trix: Oh my god, look at the mess they made. Did you let them wear boots on my grass?

Tom: Don't you like our new personal playground? Our FREE playground?



Trix: Oh! Yes, we really appreciate it. I just – I just thought they would give us something that the whole family could use.

Tricia: Push me on the swing Mommy!



Trix: Ask Peggy to do that. I'm exhausted.

Tom: Some things never change.
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Part Two of Trading Spouses

Previously, on “Trading Spouses”: Trix Googler, a strongminded mother of two sets of multiples, traded places with Esther Goddard, a submissive mother of 17 children.



Goddard House

Trix: Hi, I'm Trix Googler, and this is my temporary “husband”, Mickey Ben Goddard.



Mickey Ben: I thought I was supposed to start the introduction.

Trix: I don't remember the producer saying that.



Mickey Ben: Anyways, this is our first week of the swap. Trix has to live by the rules set forth by my wife, Esther -

Trix: Who says 'set forth' these days? I think it would be better to say 'laid down'. Your grammar is so old-fashioned, like out of a book.



Mickey Ben: And next week, we have to live by Trix's rules. Not this week, next week.

Trix: I can't wait!

Googler House

Tom: Hi, I'm Tom Googler, and this is my wife this week, Esther.

Esther: Hi!

Tom: Hey, you didn't interupt me!



Esther: Was I supposed to? I don't remember it being in Trix's rule books, but there are a lot of rules in there. I am sorry that I missed that.



Tom: Don't worry Esther, I like your style very much. I think interrupting me is one of Trix's unwritten rules.

Esther: Whatever you say Tom, you're the husband.

Tom: That's definitely not one of Trix's rules.





Goddard House, Day 2



Kids: Mother Trix! Mother Trix! Wake up?

Trix: Mmm – wha? Is there a fire?



Mary Martha: No, it's time for all of us to get up! Mary Miriam has made breakfast, and we all eat together as a family!



Trix: But it's seven o'clock! And you're homeschooled, you don't have to catch a bus. Let me sleep in!



Mary Lydia: Mama doesn't sleep in.

Trix: Fine! I'm up! Is the coffee ready?

Mary Bethel: Mama doesn't drink coffee -



(sound of crickets chirping)



Mary Bethel: - but we do have it in the kitchen for when the church people visit. I'll tell Mary Mariah to brew you a fresh cup!



Trix: Make sure to use organic cream and sugar!




Googler House, Day 2:

Esther: I don't understand. Why do I have to stay in bed until 9?



Tom: It's one of Trix's rules. I go to the gym, I get the girls off to school, then start brewing her coffee, get the quadruplets up, dressed and fed, and then Trix gets up when the coffee is ready.



Esther: Why does she sleep in so late and why do you do all the work in the morning?

Tom: She's always exhausted.

Esther: You should have her thyroid checked.

Tom: I'll let her know.



Esther: I have some free time in the afternoon schedule while you prune the bushes and the neighbour cleans out the garage. It's not in the rules, but do you think it would be okay if I played with the children when they get up from their three hour nap? They are so cute!

Tom: Well, okay, as long as you only play with the girls, that's what Trix does.

Esther: Huh.




Goddard House, Day 2

Trix: Okay. Homeschooling time. Does everyone have their workbooks?

Kids: Yes, Mother Trix!

Trix: Okay. Let me check the lesson plan – today we are studying requirements for tax exemption under IRC section 501(c)(3) – huh?

Mark: We have our own church in our house so we can get tax exemptions.



Trix: Reeeeeally? But aren't all those identical little boys too young to be studying tax laws?

Mark: We're being raised to be debt-free and we study everything together.

Trix: Seriously, were you all born in alien pods or something?




Googler House, Day 2

Esther: My girls cook supper so much that I almost forgot how! Fortunately, the recipe for Tator Tot Casserole was on our website.

Tricia: That doesn't sound org-

Tammy: Orange! That doesn't sound orange at all. The Tator Tot Casserole smells very yummy, Mother Esther. I can't wait to eat it.



Tricia: YES! It does smell very good. We've never eaten anything like it but I bet it is great. We are very happy to try something new!

Tammy: Do you know how to cook Korean food?



Esther: Orange?

Tom: What the girls mean, is that Trix tries to include something orange with each supper. For the vitamins. Like sweet potatoes or squash or carrots.

Tricia: We eat a lot of carrots! Boiled, mushy, org – er, orange carrots!



Esther: Is that what your wife meant by eating organic all the time? Huh. Well, how about I make you some orange Jell-o for dessert?

Tammy: We only eat Jell-o at Clarice's house. Mommy thinks it's too messy.

Esther: Oh my.

Tammy: This is so good, Mother Esther!



Tom: I could go to the store and get orange ice cream pops for dessert!



Twins: Yay!

Tom: I remember eating dessert. Way back before I got married.




Goddard House, Day 3

Trix: Okay, time to meet with one of the children. Let me check the schedule - it's Malchus' turn. Hey you – are you Malchus?



Malchus: He's Mordecai, I'm Malchus.

Trix: I should get you matching t-shirts with your names so I can tell you apart. I know someone that will do it for free. You'll look so nice!



Malchus: We don't wear t-shirts, Mother Trix.

Trix: Oh for heaven's sake.

Malchus: Gasp!



Trix: What?

Malchus: We don't talk dirty about heaven like that.



Trix: Is this week over yet?


Googler House, Day 3

Esther: Hi girls, welcome home from school!

Tricia: Don't look at me!



Esther: What's wrong, dear?

Tammy: A mean kid on the bus stuck gum in her hair and she thinks she's ruined.

Tricia: I told you not to tell her! Snitch! Tattletale!

Esther: Why Tricia, gum is so easy to get out! Tammy, please go get the peanut butter so I can help Tricia.



Tammy: I told you she wouldn't be mad.

Esther: My children get gum in their hair too, and the girls' hair is much longer than yours. I'm not mad at you, sweetie. We'll get it out and then I'll wash your hair.

Tricia: Thank you, Mother Esther.

Esther: Now dear, little ladies don't use words like “snitch” or “tattletale”. The correct term is “Judas”.




Goddard House Day 4:

Trix: So what do you girls normally do with your mother on Wednesday evenings?



Mary Miriam: We bake!

Trix: Oh, I don't bake.



Mary Miriam: We'll show you, Mother Trix. We have many great recipes.

Trix: Good cooks don't use recipes.

Mary Martha: What?



Mary Miriam: We looked in our recipe book and found an organic recipe just for you! A cupcake recipe!



Mary Bethel: I made some already if you'd like to help me decorate them!



Trix: Oh God, the mess ...

All: Gasp!





Trix: For heaven's sake!

All: Gasp!



Trix: Why - I'll just clean up here while you bake. Next week I'll show you how to really clean.




Googler House day 6

Producer: What do you think of Esther as your mother this week?

Tammy: She's super nice!



Tricia: We love tater tot casserole.

Tammy: She doesn't pretend that everything is organic.



Tricia: The boys were sick and throwing up yesterday, and she didn't make them sleep on the back porch.



Tammy: She's teaching us how to play our musical instruments.





Tricia: We want her to stay forever!


Goddard House Day 6:

Producer: What has it been like with Trix?

Michael: We don't think she has been very happy here.



Malachi: She keeps saying we expect her to do too much.

Matthew: And we really don't understand, because the girls do most of the work anyways!





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