A Goddard Family Christmas Special!

Announcer: We interupt our regular scheduled programming with a live update - Esther Goddard, the mother from "17 Kids and Still Makin' Whoopee", is in labour! We join her at the hospital now!

Esther: Get that camera out of my face!




Mickey Ben: My wife is feeling a bit anxious. Please excuse her.

Announcer: Why don't you tell the audience what has been going on in your family since we saw you last?

Mickey Ben: Well, we had to undo the girls' makeovers after that "Trading Spouses" show. They didn't want to go back to the same clothes, but I insisted they had to be modest. So I called in my niece, Naomi.

Naomi: Don't worry, I'll look after them. No piercings, no tattoos.



Mickey Ben: Naomi may wear pants and kiss boys that she isn't married to, but we still love her.

Naomi: It was my pleasure to get new clothes for the girls and scrub all that hooker blush off of their faces. I just love my aunt and uncle and all of my cousins and I drop by all the time. I put the fun in fundie!



Announcer: There are the girls now, waiting with their father in the birthing room.

Mary Miriam: Look at us, we're in the 20th century now! And we're growing our hair long again!



Announcer: Mickey Ben, have you decided on a name yet?

Mickey Ben: Yes, we have, but we won't announce it until the baby is born.

Announcer: How did you decide on a name after 17 kids?

Mickey Ben: We had a family meeting and voted.

Matthew: I think we should name her Mary Tyler Moore! Ha ha!



Micah: I think we should name her Mary Moesha.

Esther: That's cute! We celebrate all peoples of the earth, after all. But no.



Mickey Ben: It's too bad you're due in January - wouldn't it be nice to have a Christmas baby? We could call her the Virgin Mary!



Mickey Ben: No?

Announcer: Mickey Ben, how did you get ready for baby # 18?

Mickey Ben: We had a refresher birthing class with our favourite doctor. She's the only one that will try to do a VBAC, Vaginal Birth after a Caesarean, at Esther's age.

Esther: I don't care what the other doctors say, I know what the risks are, I want a vaginal birth. Our Holy Mother had a vaginal birth and that's good enough for me!



Dr Bradley: We'll see what we can do.

Esther: Remember, my vagina has already birthed lots of babies! I can do it again!

Dr Bradley: Class, this is Esther and Mickey Ben Goddard. They're having their 18th child.

Class: Wow!



Dr Bradley: Mickey Ben, please explain how the husband helps the wife get her cervix nice and soft before the big event.

Mickey Ben: Sex! Lots and lots of sex! Boy howdy!



Class: Ew!

Announcer: So when did Esther go into labour?

Mickey Ben: Right after Christmas Eve supper. The boys were outside playing, the girls were washing all of the dishes, and we were enjoying the decorations.





Announcer: And how is the labour progressing?

Mickey Ben: Well, it is going very fast. The baby is in a transverse position so Dr Bradley is going to have to do a C-section after all. They just gave Esther some drugs before they move her into the operating room.

Esther: Oh my heck, I love this stuff! I'm going to have a C-section from now on! Look at the colours!



Mickey Ben: I'll have to ask you to leave the room now. It's time for the C-section.

Announcer: Now let's take a short commercial break!

Tom Googler voiceover: Don't miss the New Year's Day "Tom and Trix Plus Six" marathon! All the tears, love taps, and wacky hairstyles that you love to watch! Plus, we give back by donating $1 for each of our children!



Mary Miriam: You can come in now, Mamma is here with our new baby sister.

Mickey Ben: Honey, are you sure you should be standing?

Esther: What, having a baby is hard? I'm ready for the next one! And some more of those drugs!



Mickey Ben: She's a blessed child, born on the Lord's birthday.

Esther: Is it past midnight? Is it December 25 now?



Announcer: Yes it is! What did you name the new baby?

Esther: Merry Christmas Moesha!

Announcer: There you have it folks - the new baby is Merry Christmas Moesha Goddard!

Mark: What?!? That's not -



Esther: I love it! Our Christmas baby has a Christmas name!

Mary Miriam: Hey, you should have the next one on Martin Luther King Day!

Mickey Ben: I think we're done having kids now ...



Announcer: We now return you to your regular programming. Merry Christmas!
Click Here to Read More..

We Love Free Stuff!

Tom: Hi. It all started with the two of us.

Trix: And then we had twins! And quadruplets! Pity us! And if you criticize us, you're just jealous!



Tom: On this episode, our fall getaway leads us to Hawaii and a vow renewal ceremony. That's right; I've married this woman twice.

Trix: Aw honey! And you've kissed me four times on camera!

Tom: Do you really keep count of that?

Trix: No, I asked the production assistants to do that for me.





Tom: Before we renewed our vows, we decided that I would accept a free hair transplant that had been offered to me.

Trix: What a wonderful opportunity! He had lots of hair when I met him; I really missed that hair.



Tom: You looked pretty different when we were dating too, you know.



Trix: Whatever. I plead six. I really wanted Tom to have lots of hair for the renewal. Plus going bald is affecting his self-esteem. I went along with him to make sure they did it right!



Tom: The kids came down with the flu the day before we flew out.

Trix: Family helper Peggy graciously stayed with the kids while we were gone. I mean, everything had been arranged so they could accommodate us for the hair transplant, and the kids weren't dying, just throwing up a lot.



Tom: Yeah, and the producers hired a maid to help Peggy clean up all the puke while we were gone. No big deal.



Trix: They did a wonderful job with the hair transplant! I love running my fingers through his plugs.



Tom: Except that not everything has healed and it hurts when you do that.

Trix: Aw honey!

Tom: Despite all of the pain, I really appreciate the work of Dr Gratis and his staff, in giving me a full head of hair again.



Tom: So after all the sutures were out, and the kids stopped vomiting, it was time to leave for Hawaii. The Hotel Haiyouwannafreebie offered us a free stay for our vow renewal!

Trix: A lot of people want to know why we're renewing our vows for our ninth anniversary, like we're old or something. It's because we didn't get to have our first wedding in Hawaii like we wanted.

Tom: We were really poor when we were younger and got engaged.



Trix: We really wanted to get married in Hawaii but our families wouldn't pay for it so we had to get married in the backyard. I had to do my own hair and make-up!



Tom: It was nice that our local family got to see us married, but I have relatives in Hawaii that couldn't come.

Trix: Everytime I see our wedding video, I literally want to cry and vomit because we couldn't have our wedding the way we wanted with all of our family there.



Tom: So now we'll have our Hawaii wedding with our kids, and the family that I haven't seen them since I was seven years old.

Trix: This cute little dress shop offered to supply my dress for the vow renewal. Who am I to say no? I flew to New York to pick out my new dress.



Shop owner: Welcome to our store, Trix! But why are you here alone? It's customary for the bride to bring along her friends and family!

Trix: They don't know how to help.

Trix: I don't look pregnant and I don't look slutty. I'll take this one.



Trix: We were concerned about jet lag and the time difference, so we arranged for a few stops along the way to Hawaii, to help the kids adjust.

Tom: We really appreciate all ten of the zoos and amusement parks that invited us to visit.



Trix: They were so accommodating! I can't imagine that they've ever had to deal with a group as large as ours, but they all made it look easy! What memories we made!

Tom: We also really appreciate Hotel Haiyouwannafreebie in Hawaii that invited us to stay with them.

Trix: Tom and I had our own master suite. The twins and the boys stayed in the suite next door. Since the little girls get up so early, they stayed with Peggy in her room.





Tom: One we got to Hawaii, we were given the grand treatment by Hotel Haiyouwannafreebie.

Trix: And why not? We're on TV! Since Tom went through the pain of the hair transplant for me, I let the producers fly in a world famous hairdresser to turn me blonde again.



Tom: Rowr!

Trix: We had a great time with all of the tours and activities they planned for us.

Tom: The little kids saw the ocean for the first time, and the twins had fun going swimming.



Trix: And for once, I remembered to put on sunscreen, so I only got a tan and not a burn. I am famous for burning, famous!



Tom: I was very happy when my relatives appeared. They were happy to see us in person and not on TV.

Trix: Great-Auntie Esther is so cute, I could eat her up! They love us!



Tom: The day of the wedding, I helped by taking the boys to the golf course.

Trix: I got mani/pedis for myself and the girls. Naturally, one of the twins just had to have a low blood sugar meltdown on my special day.

Tricia: Nooooo! The little girls can't have curls! I'm the only one who is supposed to have curls!



Tom: Did Tammy have a meltdown too?

Trix: Tammy hid from the camera all day. Whatever.

Tom: The vow renewal was really beautiful. They had a Circle of Love!



Trix: Only the kids were unruly, so ill-behaved, not paying attention. I don't know where they get it from.



Tom: So we told them to leave the Circle of Love and sit down.



Trix: Go! Except you, Tara. Sit! Good boy! Peggy, fetch them some snacks. But no gum!



Tom: I, Tom, promise that I will always love and obey you, and when you get that giant pulsating vein in your forehead, I will ask you how I can help you.



Trix: I, Trix, promise that I will try very hard to allow for the possibility that I might remember to have patience with all of your faults, Tom. Even when you have so, so many faults, but what can you expect, you're just a man. But at least you have terrific hair.



Tom: Hotel Haiyouwannafreebie gave us a great meal afterwards.

Trix: The cake was organic and very delicious, but the little boys didn't get any because they didn't eat their supper.



Tom: We had a bitchin' party afterwards. I don't know how we can ever top this vacation.



Trix: You know, before you met me, you had the experience of backpacking through Europe and going to Korea, but the rest of us have never left North America...
Click Here to Read More..