Sunday, August 24, 2008

Girls Gone Wild (Part Three of Trading Spouses)

Previously, on “Trading Spouses”: Trix Googler, a strongminded mother of two sets of multiples, traded places with Esther Goddard, a submissive mother of 17 children.

Part One.

Part Two.

Announcer: This week, the wives have the opportunity to introduce their own rules to their new families.

Goddard House:

Mickey Ben: Kids, settle down, Mother Trix is going to introduce her rules now.

Micah: Father, she's wearing trousers and that funny hair again.

Michael: uh oh!

Trix: Rule 1 – the mother is the boss and what I say, you do.

Mickey Ben: Um -

Trix: Don't interrupt. Rule 2 – the kids go to school, none of this homeschooling stuff. I've arranged for all of you to attend an exclusive private school for one week, where you will learn some proper grammar and interact with other children your own age.

Mary Miriam: Yay, boys!

Mickey Ben: Mary Miriam!

Trix: Don't interrupt. Rule 3 – none of this boy-girl buddy system is going to happen on my watch. Girls will have girl buddies and boys will have boy buddies. And you will stay out of each others' rooms and bathrooms.

Mary Lydia: Does this mean we can stop cleaning the boys' bathrooms?

Trix: It certainly does. Speaking of cleaning, I've drawn up new chore charts. You boys have no idea of how to help your future wives. I'll learn you good.

Boys: WHAT?!?

Trix: I will explain any of the cleaning procedures you may be unfamiliar with, like cleaning a barbecue organically.

This next rule is very important – you must clean to my satisfaction, and if I am not satisfied and get a little emotional, DO NOT stand around uselessly. Ask me how you can help me.

Mary Martha: Mother Trix, what do you want us girls to do?

Trix: Learn to cook organically, for one. Right now – we're going to the mall! We need some shopping therapy!

Mickey Ben: My girls are not allowed -

Trix: Stuff a sock in it, Mickey Ben.

All: gasp!

Trix: And stop gasping!

Googler House:

Esther: First, I want to thank you for welcoming me into your home. You have been very gracious with your hospitality.

Tammy: We've liked having you here, Mother Esther!

Esther: Now here my rules – I have a few teensy-weensy little changes I would like to make:

Rule 1 – Tom, you are the father and therefore the leader and the role model of this family. I think you are great at being hands on with the children but you could be a better example for your children.

Tom: Okay...

Esther: So I've arranged for you to work outside of the home for the next week.

Tom: WHAT?!?

Esther: Rule 2 – this family seems to be rather dependent on outside helpers coming into the house. The children will never learn how to keep house this way. So I've called all the helpers and told them to take the week off.

Tammy: Okay...

Esther: So the girls will stay home from school this week – I'll homeschool you and teach you how to manage the household.

Twins: WHAT?!?

Esther: Your future husbands will thank me. And the first job is to teach you how to sew. We'll be making you some nice, modest dresses. The network sent over a FREE sewing machine!

Tom: We do appreciate free stuff!

Tammy: Daddy!

Tricia: Great, Mommy will be expecting us to sew stuff for her from now on.

Esther: Ahem! I will also be introducing you to my buddy system. Tricia, you will be Tara and Tim's buddy. Tammy, you will by Tracey and Travis' buddy.

Tricia: What do we do?

Esther: You'll dress and feed your buddies, and you will have scheduled play time with them.

Tammy: We have to FEED them?

Esther: Yes! It will be such good practice for you!

Tricia: I'm never getting married!

Esther Don't be silly, Tricia. Now, lets talk about your jurisdictions which you may know as 'chores'...

Twins: Oh we're used to chores!

Goddard House:

Michael: Father, I don't get any of these rules. I don't recall the girls ever having to bleach the gutters before.

Mickey Ben: Better change your clothes before you do that, son. That woman is sure fussy on stains.

Mark: I see the van! They're back from the mall!

Malchus: Good, I'm hungry.

Malachi: Matthew is making supper tonight, its in the rules.

Matthew: I think we should order in pizza.

Trix: Hello, we're back!

Mickey Ben: You were certainly gone a long time, Mother Trix.

Trix: It takes time to get a facial and a mani-pedi and makeovers! But what would you know, you're just a man!

Mickey Ben: What did you say about makeovers?

Trix: Hello?!? It's the twenty-first century! And your daughters have joined it!

Girls: Hi Daddy!

Mickey Ben: I need to ... I need to go somewhere and pray about this.

Trix: You do that. And then get back to work building the hydroponic farm, so your kids can eat organic. I'm surprised they don't have scurvy, frankly.

Before & After - Mary Martha

Before & After - Mary Bethel & Mary Miriam

Before & After - Mary Mariah & Mary Lydia

Googler House:

Esther: Don't you feel better now that your limbs are covered?

Tammy: We look like dorks.

Esther: Now now, Tammy, I know this is a big change, but I really think it's for your own good.

Tricia: I don't want to stay home. I want to go to school and be with my friends. I just got on the tennis team!

Esther: You can call your friends after they get home from school.

Tammy: Wait - we're allowed to use the telephone?

Esther: Yes!

Tricia: Can our friends come over to play?

Esther: Of course! As long as they are girls. You could even have a sleepover Friday night if you like!

Tricia: I guess we can live with the dorky clothes.

Tom: Good morning.

Esther: My, you look handsome! Your coffee is ready for you and the girls and I have just finished making your breakfast.

Tom: I guess I can live with this going to work and having to shave thing.

Goddard House:

Trix: How was your first day of school?

Mary Miriam: Well, the other kids made fun of our names!

Trix: Of course they did!

Mark: I don't know, some of the girls were really cute. I made a couple of new friends.

Mary Miriam: Mother Trix, will you buy us iPods? All of the girls at school have them. You do want us to fit in, don't you?

Trix: Silly girl, I don't pay for anything any more! I'll talk to the network and get back to you.

Mary Martha: Mother Trix, I've decided what I want to do when I turn 18 soon. And you are my inspiration!

Trix: What's that?

Mary Martha: I'm going to have a baby!

Mickey Ben: What?

Trix: What?

Mary Martha: Mother Trix has opened my eyes to how gross and dirty and yucky boys are, so I'm not going to marry a boy. I’ll just use fertility treatments like Mother Trix did.

Mickey Ben: Trix?!?

Trix: But - but – well, most boys are gross and dirty, but they're also good for some things. And having a baby is so much easier with someone to help you.

Mary Martha: I could marry a girl, the kids at school told me I can.

Mickey Ben: Lord, give me strength!

Trix: Goodness gracious. Do what I did - catch a nice mama's boy when he’s young and teach him how to be clean and to do your bidding and you'll have a happy marriage.

Mary Martha: You can do that?

Mickey Ben: We can certainly find nice, suitable, clean young men among our friends if that's what you want.

Trix: Oh and check out his family for any history of male pattern baldness. That's where I went wrong.

Googler House

Tammy: I do not like being a buddy. I do not like having to feed the babies.

Tricia: At least it's okay if they get food on their clothes this week.

Tammy: Speak for yourself, you don't have the laundry jurisdiction.

Tricia: Yeah, but I have to cook supper!

Tammy: Every spoonful of baby food on their clothes means an hour in the laundry room!

Tricia: You sound like Mommy!

Tammy: You take that back!

Esther: Now girls, I can hear you from down here. Little ladies don't fight. My daughters certainly don't.

Tricia: Let's hug it out.

Tammy: And then let's call our friends while we can!

Tom: Esther, what are we going to do tonight after supper?

Esther: Whatever you want, Tom.

Tom: No seriously, what's on the schedule?

Esther: Whatever you want! You are the husband and the father, I do not tell you what to do with your spare time.

Tom: Sweet! I'm going to go into the closet and surf the Internet!

Goddard House

Trix: Girls, what is going on? I could hear squabbling.

Mary Lydia: I think Mary Mariah was way too sociable with the boys at school today. She talked with them without an adult present!

Mary Mariah: Judas!

Mary Lydia: Stuff a sock in it, Mary Mariah!

Trix: GIRLS!!!

Methusaleh: Daaaaddy!

Mickey Ben: Good Lord! Are they fighting?

Trix: Mary Mariah has a wicked upper cut!

Mickey Ben: Don't encourage them! STOP THAT FIGHTING!!!

Mary Lydia: FINE!

Mickey Ben: Trix, they never acted like this before you came. You take care of this.

Trix: Oh, it's just low blood sugar. Right?

Mary Lydia: Stop blaming everything on low blood sugar!

Trix: Now, now. Go hug your sister and tell her you're sorry. My rules.

Mary Mariah: What kind of stupid rule is this?!?

Googler House

Tom: Girls, I'm sorry to tell you this, but the network just called, there's some sort of emergency. Mother Esther is leaving early, tomorrow morning. She's packing her bags right now.

Tammy: Esther is really, really nice, but I am sick of eating tater tot casserole and orange stuff. I'm turning orange!

Tricia: I want to go back to school and I want to stop having buddies.

Tom: It has been really strange to have a woman waiting on me hand and foot. I like a woman with fire in her eyes, like my Trixie. I don't want my daughters to grow up submissive.

Tammy: Don't worry Daddy, we won't.

Goddard House:

Trix: You! You MAN! It's your fault I'm going home early! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Mickey Ben: I won't have my kids fighting -

Trix: It was just a scuffle! This better not get leaked to the Internet!

Mickey Ben: Okay, the cab is here now. Don't make a scene in front of my children.

Trix: Bye kids! Don't cry because I'm leaving!

Matthew: We won't.

Trix: Don't you DARE say another word to me! I better not hear you breathe!

Googler House:

Tammy: We're really going to miss you Mother Esther! We'll write to you!

Tricia: Will you name the next baby Mary Tricia or Mary Tammy?

Tammy: Name it Mary Tommy! Oh wait...

Tom: Esther, I sincerely thank you for taking such good care of all of us.

Esther: It was my pleasure! Your family is so wonderful.


You should probably let go of me now, Tom.

Tom: I guess.

Esther: I'm really going to miss all of you! And I'll be praying for Mrs Googler to get well, so she isn't exhausted all the time!

Tom: Prayers would be nice.

Tricia: And now things will be back to normal.

Tammy: Can I go change my clothes now?
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