Sunday, July 20, 2008

Part Two of Trading Spouses

Previously, on “Trading Spouses”: Trix Googler, a strongminded mother of two sets of multiples, traded places with Esther Goddard, a submissive mother of 17 children.

Goddard House

Trix: Hi, I'm Trix Googler, and this is my temporary “husband”, Mickey Ben Goddard.

Mickey Ben: I thought I was supposed to start the introduction.

Trix: I don't remember the producer saying that.

Mickey Ben: Anyways, this is our first week of the swap. Trix has to live by the rules set forth by my wife, Esther -

Trix: Who says 'set forth' these days? I think it would be better to say 'laid down'. Your grammar is so old-fashioned, like out of a book.

Mickey Ben: And next week, we have to live by Trix's rules. Not this week, next week.

Trix: I can't wait!

Googler House

Tom: Hi, I'm Tom Googler, and this is my wife this week, Esther.

Esther: Hi!

Tom: Hey, you didn't interupt me!

Esther: Was I supposed to? I don't remember it being in Trix's rule books, but there are a lot of rules in there. I am sorry that I missed that.

Tom: Don't worry Esther, I like your style very much. I think interrupting me is one of Trix's unwritten rules.

Esther: Whatever you say Tom, you're the husband.

Tom: That's definitely not one of Trix's rules.

Goddard House, Day 2

Kids: Mother Trix! Mother Trix! Wake up?

Trix: Mmm – wha? Is there a fire?

Mary Martha: No, it's time for all of us to get up! Mary Miriam has made breakfast, and we all eat together as a family!

Trix: But it's seven o'clock! And you're homeschooled, you don't have to catch a bus. Let me sleep in!

Mary Lydia: Mama doesn't sleep in.

Trix: Fine! I'm up! Is the coffee ready?

Mary Bethel: Mama doesn't drink coffee -

(sound of crickets chirping)

Mary Bethel: - but we do have it in the kitchen for when the church people visit. I'll tell Mary Mariah to brew you a fresh cup!

Trix: Make sure to use organic cream and sugar!

Googler House, Day 2:

Esther: I don't understand. Why do I have to stay in bed until 9?

Tom: It's one of Trix's rules. I go to the gym, I get the girls off to school, then start brewing her coffee, get the quadruplets up, dressed and fed, and then Trix gets up when the coffee is ready.

Esther: Why does she sleep in so late and why do you do all the work in the morning?

Tom: She's always exhausted.

Esther: You should have her thyroid checked.

Tom: I'll let her know.

Esther: I have some free time in the afternoon schedule while you prune the bushes and the neighbour cleans out the garage. It's not in the rules, but do you think it would be okay if I played with the children when they get up from their three hour nap? They are so cute!

Tom: Well, okay, as long as you only play with the girls, that's what Trix does.

Esther: Huh.

Goddard House, Day 2

Trix: Okay. Homeschooling time. Does everyone have their workbooks?

Kids: Yes, Mother Trix!

Trix: Okay. Let me check the lesson plan – today we are studying requirements for tax exemption under IRC section 501(c)(3) – huh?

Mark: We have our own church in our house so we can get tax exemptions.

Trix: Reeeeeally? But aren't all those identical little boys too young to be studying tax laws?

Mark: We're being raised to be debt-free and we study everything together.

Trix: Seriously, were you all born in alien pods or something?

Googler House, Day 2

Esther: My girls cook supper so much that I almost forgot how! Fortunately, the recipe for Tator Tot Casserole was on our website.

Tricia: That doesn't sound org-

Tammy: Orange! That doesn't sound orange at all. The Tator Tot Casserole smells very yummy, Mother Esther. I can't wait to eat it.

Tricia: YES! It does smell very good. We've never eaten anything like it but I bet it is great. We are very happy to try something new!

Tammy: Do you know how to cook Korean food?

Esther: Orange?

Tom: What the girls mean, is that Trix tries to include something orange with each supper. For the vitamins. Like sweet potatoes or squash or carrots.

Tricia: We eat a lot of carrots! Boiled, mushy, org – er, orange carrots!

Esther: Is that what your wife meant by eating organic all the time? Huh. Well, how about I make you some orange Jell-o for dessert?

Tammy: We only eat Jell-o at Clarice's house. Mommy thinks it's too messy.

Esther: Oh my.

Tammy: This is so good, Mother Esther!

Tom: I could go to the store and get orange ice cream pops for dessert!

Twins: Yay!

Tom: I remember eating dessert. Way back before I got married.

Goddard House, Day 3

Trix: Okay, time to meet with one of the children. Let me check the schedule - it's Malchus' turn. Hey you – are you Malchus?

Malchus: He's Mordecai, I'm Malchus.

Trix: I should get you matching t-shirts with your names so I can tell you apart. I know someone that will do it for free. You'll look so nice!

Malchus: We don't wear t-shirts, Mother Trix.

Trix: Oh for heaven's sake.

Malchus: Gasp!

Trix: What?

Malchus: We don't talk dirty about heaven like that.

Trix: Is this week over yet?

Googler House, Day 3

Esther: Hi girls, welcome home from school!

Tricia: Don't look at me!

Esther: What's wrong, dear?

Tammy: A mean kid on the bus stuck gum in her hair and she thinks she's ruined.

Tricia: I told you not to tell her! Snitch! Tattletale!

Esther: Why Tricia, gum is so easy to get out! Tammy, please go get the peanut butter so I can help Tricia.

Tammy: I told you she wouldn't be mad.

Esther: My children get gum in their hair too, and the girls' hair is much longer than yours. I'm not mad at you, sweetie. We'll get it out and then I'll wash your hair.

Tricia: Thank you, Mother Esther.

Esther: Now dear, little ladies don't use words like “snitch” or “tattletale”. The correct term is “Judas”.

Goddard House Day 4:

Trix: So what do you girls normally do with your mother on Wednesday evenings?

Mary Miriam: We bake!

Trix: Oh, I don't bake.

Mary Miriam: We'll show you, Mother Trix. We have many great recipes.

Trix: Good cooks don't use recipes.

Mary Martha: What?

Mary Miriam: We looked in our recipe book and found an organic recipe just for you! A cupcake recipe!

Mary Bethel: I made some already if you'd like to help me decorate them!

Trix: Oh God, the mess ...

All: Gasp!

Trix: For heaven's sake!

All: Gasp!

Trix: Why - I'll just clean up here while you bake. Next week I'll show you how to really clean.

Googler House day 6

Producer: What do you think of Esther as your mother this week?

Tammy: She's super nice!

Tricia: We love tater tot casserole.

Tammy: She doesn't pretend that everything is organic.

Tricia: The boys were sick and throwing up yesterday, and she didn't make them sleep on the back porch.

Tammy: She's teaching us how to play our musical instruments.

Tricia: We want her to stay forever!

Goddard House Day 6:

Producer: What has it been like with Trix?

Michael: We don't think she has been very happy here.

Malachi: She keeps saying we expect her to do too much.

Matthew: And we really don't understand, because the girls do most of the work anyways!



Maggie said...

I keep thinking it can't get better, but impossibly it does!

You have summed up both the (fictional!) families so beautifully!

I will have to re-read to get all the subtle nuances!

Congratulations on a brilliant job!

Shawna said...

Hahahaha, I love it! I've only seen a few episodes of Jon and Kate Plus Eight, but this parody is spot-on. I give it two thumbs up.

Serena said...

I loved it! Some of my favorites (but the Judas one is my ALL-TIME favorite -- brilliant!):

Kids: Mother Trix! Mother Trix! Wake up?
Trix: Mmm – wha? Is there a fire?

(sound of crickets chirping)

: Now dear, little ladies don't use words like “snitch” or “tattletale”. The correct term is “Judas”.

Suzanne said...

This is hilarious!

Bubbs said...

Awesome update! I could see this actually happening while I read it. Keep up the great work!

ThirtyWhat said...

What an amazing paraody! Please keep going!

Lauren said...

I can't wait for part three! when will it come out?

Stefanie said...

This stuff is priceless!

Anonymous said...

Give us part three please!!!!
I just love this, laughed my butt off!

Angela said...

Part Three is in the works!

umsami said...

Absolutely wonderful.

So happy you included cupcakes.


Anonymous said...

Wow, this is a perfect parody of the Duggars and the Gosselins. Keep up the spot on work, it's great. :D

~Shiona~ said...

OH this gets better and better.

Sarolite said...

My favorite part was

Tom: She's always exhausted.

Esther: You should have her thyroid checked.

Awesome. Has someone suggested that to Kate?

Gabriella said...

You are so funny!