Thursday, December 25, 2008

A Goddard Family Christmas Special!

Announcer: We interupt our regular scheduled programming with a live update - Esther Goddard, the mother from "17 Kids and Still Makin' Whoopee", is in labour! We join her at the hospital now!

Esther: Get that camera out of my face!

Mickey Ben: My wife is feeling a bit anxious. Please excuse her.

Announcer: Why don't you tell the audience what has been going on in your family since we saw you last?

Mickey Ben: Well, we had to undo the girls' makeovers after that "Trading Spouses" show. They didn't want to go back to the same clothes, but I insisted they had to be modest. So I called in my niece, Naomi.

Naomi: Don't worry, I'll look after them. No piercings, no tattoos.

Mickey Ben: Naomi may wear pants and kiss boys that she isn't married to, but we still love her.

Naomi: It was my pleasure to get new clothes for the girls and scrub all that hooker blush off of their faces. I just love my aunt and uncle and all of my cousins and I drop by all the time. I put the fun in fundie!

Announcer: There are the girls now, waiting with their father in the birthing room.

Mary Miriam: Look at us, we're in the 20th century now! And we're growing our hair long again!

Announcer: Mickey Ben, have you decided on a name yet?

Mickey Ben: Yes, we have, but we won't announce it until the baby is born.

Announcer: How did you decide on a name after 17 kids?

Mickey Ben: We had a family meeting and voted.

Matthew: I think we should name her Mary Tyler Moore! Ha ha!

Micah: I think we should name her Mary Moesha.

Esther: That's cute! We celebrate all peoples of the earth, after all. But no.

Mickey Ben: It's too bad you're due in January - wouldn't it be nice to have a Christmas baby? We could call her the Virgin Mary!

Mickey Ben: No?

Announcer: Mickey Ben, how did you get ready for baby # 18?

Mickey Ben: We had a refresher birthing class with our favourite doctor. She's the only one that will try to do a VBAC, Vaginal Birth after a Caesarean, at Esther's age.

Esther: I don't care what the other doctors say, I know what the risks are, I want a vaginal birth. Our Holy Mother had a vaginal birth and that's good enough for me!

Dr Bradley: We'll see what we can do.

Esther: Remember, my vagina has already birthed lots of babies! I can do it again!

Dr Bradley: Class, this is Esther and Mickey Ben Goddard. They're having their 18th child.

Class: Wow!

Dr Bradley: Mickey Ben, please explain how the husband helps the wife get her cervix nice and soft before the big event.

Mickey Ben: Sex! Lots and lots of sex! Boy howdy!

Class: Ew!

Announcer: So when did Esther go into labour?

Mickey Ben: Right after Christmas Eve supper. The boys were outside playing, the girls were washing all of the dishes, and we were enjoying the decorations.

Announcer: And how is the labour progressing?

Mickey Ben: Well, it is going very fast. The baby is in a transverse position so Dr Bradley is going to have to do a C-section after all. They just gave Esther some drugs before they move her into the operating room.

Esther: Oh my heck, I love this stuff! I'm going to have a C-section from now on! Look at the colours!

Mickey Ben: I'll have to ask you to leave the room now. It's time for the C-section.

Announcer: Now let's take a short commercial break!

Tom Googler voiceover: Don't miss the New Year's Day "Tom and Trix Plus Six" marathon! All the tears, love taps, and wacky hairstyles that you love to watch! Plus, we give back by donating $1 for each of our children!

Mary Miriam: You can come in now, Mamma is here with our new baby sister.

Mickey Ben: Honey, are you sure you should be standing?

Esther: What, having a baby is hard? I'm ready for the next one! And some more of those drugs!

Mickey Ben: She's a blessed child, born on the Lord's birthday.

Esther: Is it past midnight? Is it December 25 now?

Announcer: Yes it is! What did you name the new baby?

Esther: Merry Christmas Moesha!

Announcer: There you have it folks - the new baby is Merry Christmas Moesha Goddard!

Mark: What?!? That's not -

Esther: I love it! Our Christmas baby has a Christmas name!

Mary Miriam: Hey, you should have the next one on Martin Luther King Day!

Mickey Ben: I think we're done having kids now ...

Announcer: We now return you to your regular programming. Merry Christmas!


Jennifer said...

another awesome installment. Thanks!

Since you have all the expansion packs...which of the "stuff" packs would you recommend? I have family fun already and want one more.

Angela said...

Hi Jennifer. My personal favourites are the Ikea and Celebration stuff packs. I also like the clothes with Glamour Life.

Bubbs said...

Are you going to show the oldest son and his new wife? I am sure she must be pregnant by now...

Love the new baby update.

Anonymous said...

Love this blog!!! I think your next wife swap should be with the the Roloffs. Can you imagine Kate at the Roloff farm?????

And the next time you do a Duggar on it you could mention the dancing thing. I thought that was hilarious.

Thanks for the laughs.

Angela said...

I think Kate, I mean Trix, would pop a blood vessel at the Roloff farm!

I missed the "no dancing" bit with the last Duggar special, or I would have definitely included it this time. Guess I'll save it for #19, or the first grandchild.

~Shiona~ said...

I had to watch an episode of the Duggars after reading that Trading Spouses. Man oh man this is funny! I too am wondering about the grandchild. I think they should stop on number 18. It's a nice even number...

won't catch me with 18 kids said...

20 is a nice even number also....lord can you imagine. I can't, more power to Michelle, she is a saint and has the patience of one also.....

But I think 20 will be their stopping point. I think they want to make it so their son has an older child then the aunt or uncle that they have next.

Anonymous said...

Every time a Duggar breeds, an angel gets its wings.

Bless us one and all.

(and thanks for the laughs)

Wanda said...

please keep making these parodies
i love them they are almost better then tv:)

runciblespn said...

Angela, genius, as usual!

I did a short blog post on families recently . . .

I can't watch J+K at all anymore. TLC jumped the shark with that two seasons ago. I'll catch the highlights from you. Your dialogue is much better anyway.

Jennifer said...

can't wait to see what you do with the new house or should I say mega-mansion they are getting :)

runciblespn said...

Angela: You now have new material . . . Nadya, Her Parents and Fourteen! Do you think she had octuplets, plus the six, just to outdo Kate Gosselin? Inquiring minds want to know.


Anonymous said...

Where'd you go?!