Announcer: We interupt our regular scheduled programming with a live update - Esther Goddard, the mother from "17 Kids and Still Makin' Whoopee", is in labour! We join her at the hospital now!
Esther: Get that camera out of my face!
Mickey Ben: My wife is feeling a bit anxious. Please excuse her.
Announcer: Why don't you tell the audience what has been going on in your family since we saw you last?
Mickey Ben: Well, we had to undo the girls' makeovers after that "Trading Spouses" show. They didn't want to go back to the same clothes, but I insisted they had to be modest. So I called in my niece, Naomi.
Naomi: Don't worry, I'll look after them. No piercings, no tattoos.
Mickey Ben: Naomi may wear pants and kiss boys that she isn't married to, but we still love her.
Naomi: It was my pleasure to get new clothes for the girls and scrub all that hooker blush off of their faces. I just love my aunt and uncle and all of my cousins and I drop by all the time. I put the fun in fundie!
Announcer: There are the girls now, waiting with their father in the birthing room.
Mary Miriam: Look at us, we're in the 20th century now! And we're growing our hair long again!
Announcer: Mickey Ben, have you decided on a name yet?
Mickey Ben: Yes, we have, but we won't announce it until the baby is born.
Announcer: How did you decide on a name after 17 kids?
Mickey Ben: We had a family meeting and voted.
Matthew: I think we should name her Mary Tyler Moore! Ha ha!
Micah: I think we should name her Mary Moesha.
Esther: That's cute! We celebrate all peoples of the earth, after all. But no.
Mickey Ben: It's too bad you're due in January - wouldn't it be nice to have a Christmas baby? We could call her the Virgin Mary!
Mickey Ben: No?
Announcer: Mickey Ben, how did you get ready for baby # 18?
Mickey Ben: We had a refresher birthing class with our favourite doctor. She's the only one that will try to do a VBAC, Vaginal Birth after a Caesarean, at Esther's age.
Esther: I don't care what the other doctors say, I know what the risks are, I want a vaginal birth. Our Holy Mother had a vaginal birth and that's good enough for me!
Dr Bradley: We'll see what we can do.
Esther: Remember, my vagina has already birthed lots of babies! I can do it again!
Dr Bradley: Class, this is Esther and Mickey Ben Goddard. They're having their 18th child.
Dr Bradley: Mickey Ben, please explain how the husband helps the wife get her cervix nice and soft before the big event.
Mickey Ben: Sex! Lots and lots of sex! Boy howdy!
Announcer: So when did Esther go into labour?
Mickey Ben: Right after Christmas Eve supper. The boys were outside playing, the girls were washing all of the dishes, and we were enjoying the decorations.
Announcer: And how is the labour progressing?
Mickey Ben: Well, it is going very fast. The baby is in a transverse position so Dr Bradley is going to have to do a C-section after all. They just gave Esther some drugs before they move her into the operating room.
Esther: Oh my heck, I love this stuff! I'm going to have a C-section from now on! Look at the colours!
Mickey Ben: I'll have to ask you to leave the room now. It's time for the C-section.
Announcer: Now let's take a short commercial break!
Tom Googler voiceover: Don't miss the New Year's Day "Tom and Trix Plus Six" marathon! All the tears, love taps, and wacky hairstyles that you love to watch! Plus, we give back by donating $1 for each of our children!
Mary Miriam: You can come in now, Mamma is here with our new baby sister.
Mickey Ben: Honey, are you sure you should be standing?
Esther: What, having a baby is hard? I'm ready for the next one! And some more of those drugs!
Mickey Ben: She's a blessed child, born on the Lord's birthday.
Esther: Is it past midnight? Is it December 25 now?
Announcer: Yes it is! What did you name the new baby?
Esther: Merry Christmas Moesha!
Announcer: There you have it folks - the new baby is Merry Christmas Moesha Goddard!
Mark: What?!? That's not -
Esther: I love it! Our Christmas baby has a Christmas name!
Mary Miriam: Hey, you should have the next one on Martin Luther King Day!
Mickey Ben: I think we're done having kids now ...
Announcer: We now return you to your regular programming. Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Posted by Angela Boyko at 11:33 PM